Become a Triple Threat

Macaulay Culkin is cute. I'm not into little boys, but when most people think of Macaulay in "Home Alone" they think cute. Being "cute" is one of the qualities that most girls would say they are looking for if they are being honest with themselves. I'm not saying that you should defend your house from Joe Pesci and The Wonder Years Voice, but you get the idea. Stupid expressions, non aggro movies in your collection (Crossroads with Britney is gold), admitting you're scared of spiders or snakes...it's all money.

Matthew Mcconaughey is sexy. Women love this guy. He was arrested playing the bongos naked, and made the cops take him to jail like that. He's a pot head, so that automatically ups him in my book. This guy has put out some real pieces of shit on the big screen, and women will continuously watch him. If he's got his shirt off, their buying the DVD. This dude has got the sexy vibe on lock. He seems to do whatever he wants, and works out like a beast.

James Bond is handsome. This guy has classic good looks, can pull off a suit like nobody's business, and has a general swagger that doesn't hurt his cause. Most women want a guy that they can take to places like weddings and they can show off like a new Louis Vuitton bag, and if you want their attention then you've got to play the part. Buy a suit, a couple of dress shirts, and the odd tie.

Like LeBron or Kobe, you want to develop all three skill sets. Different girls respond to different aspects of attraction, so you need to be able to bring all three. Perfect hair and $4000 worth of orthodontic work isn't a prerequisite, but in that case play to your strengths and let the other parts round themselves out. Don't become complacent with one flavour of ice cream. Sure, chocolate is pretty dope, but imagine not ever trying Tiger Tail??? Fuck that noise.

Shoppers Drug Mart Girls

Why are all Shoppers Drug Mart girls smoking hot? I don't mean the 90 year old lady who smells of moth balls and helps you find the cream for that "special" itch. The females that I'm referring to are the cosmetic counter girls who happily greet you with a smile and friendly hello when you walk into most stores.

Like any rule, there are some exceptions that can sneak up on you, but by and large this holds true. These poor girls are stuck at one of the lowest rungs of the retail food chain. They spend their days giving ugly and old women make overs, and lying to them that in makes them appealing in any capacity. Next time you're in a Shoppers, test out this theory. If she's hot, stop by and say hello, and make sure she notices the "Her Pleasure" condoms in your basket...

Shaggy: The Prophet

Most people would point to Mista Lova's words of wisdom in "It Wasn't Me" as his most significant contribution to the cause. It's not so subtle; you get caught doing something that you're not supposed to, you simply lie and say it wasn't you. This is a good skill to have for all facets of life, but not Shaggy's best work in my humble opinion.

In most cases, your budget will dictate your pipeline more than your ambition. Money is a resource, which like your time must be allocated based on the value you assign to a prospect. Some girls will be happy just spending time with you, and you don't have to spend a ton of cash to make her happy. A coffee and a walk with some good conversation will probably do it. Others require wining and dining. I don't really think one is better than the other, they just like different things. If every girl liked the same things, then life would be pretty boring. But how do you tell which is which? Well here is where Shaggy shares his wisdom....

The track is "Summertime" my friends. The tune goes "if her father is rich take her out for a meal, if her father is poor just do what cha feel". Although it is not a perfect science, it is a good guideline to work from. The premise is straight forward, her upbringing will likely have had a large influence with shaping her likes and dislikes. If Christmas was about family bonding, then spending time on a long walk is a good play. If Daddy gave her a BMW on her Sweet 16, then you're in for dinner my man.

In Shaggy We Trust.

It's all about pipeline.

The more ladies that you are laying the groundwork with, the more you are going to sleep with/date. Every girl that you meet that you would consider spending time with is a prospect. Don't limit this to girls that are single or you consider out of your league. Just because it doesn't make sense today, does not mean that it won't make sense at some later date. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and even more relationships! That's great news for your pipeline. And for girls who you think are out of your league, keep laying that groundwork. She might get fat, lose a leg, or you could win the lottery? Any of those things happen and you're in.

Your pipeline is just an amalgamation of all of your prospects. Looking at dating like this does not make you shallow, it just makes you organized. In any other aspect of your life strong organizational skills would be looked at as a positive trait, so don't let yourself be convinced that this is any different. You should rank your prospects according to how much value you that you feel they possess, and how much time and money it will take to realize this value. I'm not sure what you consider to be valuable, that's up to you.

Pipeline can be generated 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Bars and clubs are obvious, but going after every prospect that you see will only benefit you. The cashier at your grocery store, the Blockbuster girl, girls at work, Internet sites, walking down the street, etc... If you get shut down you are no further behind than you are right now, so cowboy the fuck up and play like a champion.

Total Indifference

The reality of the world is that there are some situations where we just can't change the outcome, no matter how hard we try. When faced with these situations, I used to get mad and stressed - and ultimately ended up with the same result as if I had done nothing. So that's what I do now. I'm totally indifferent to the world going on around me. For the most part, it doesn't bother me and I don't bother it.

I walk around with a shit eating grin on my face as often as possible. This is partly because I smoke a lot of weed, but it's also by design. Firstly, most girls will smile back at you even if you're not smiling directly at them (unless you're ugly as fuck). Secondly, I like walking around with a look on my face that says "I know something you don't".

Initially, I just did this for my own amusement. Some people will give you the odd dirty look, but for the most part it's smiles. I like doing it at work the most. You should try it. Girls are naturally nosy and love to pry, so they will try and find out your secret. No one is ACTUALLY that happy all the time, so they will try and find out why so that they can ruin it or steal it for themselves. Once you get one latched on and trying to find out more about your secret, deliberately make it seem like you are up to something. I don't mean major criminal activity, I mean something silly and mischievous that makes you happy. You don't need to have a secret, just the illusion of one.

The Fantasy Porno League

We've all entered one type of pool or another. Maybe it was your office fantasy football pool, or a hockey pool with some buddies from high school. That's what I'm in, a hockey pool with a group of friends from my high school days. It's great fun, but we've been doing it for a few years now and you can only change so much. I was discussing this over Messenger with the Commish (who's team name this year was Satan's Semin..niiiice), and we were throwing around different ideas for new leagues to run. The Fantasy Porno League idea was born.

Here is the idea. In our hockey pool, we had to choose a Centre, a Right Wing, a Left Wing, a Defenceman, and a Goalie. Usually "multiples" of both. The website would track points for things like goals, assists, plus/minus, goals against, shutouts, and so on. The points would be totalled and the teams would be ranked accordingly.

The framework of The Fantasy Porno League is the same. Instead of the positions listed above, we would replace them with Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads, Exotic, and Real Breasts. For the statistics we would substitute categories like faceshots, anal, girl on girl, deep throat, and DVDA (maximum points). The more well rounded the career, and the more ambitious the film star with her work load (insert semen joke here) the better you can do in the pool.

.....another good thing? If you're "with female" and she busts you looking at porn, you can just say that you were doing research. Then see if she wants to be added to your roster.

The Origins of Feeding the Pony

Silly name for a blog, I know. But I like it. Feeding the Pony was a phrase that I learned at my place of employment roughly four months ago. It's a reference to trying to convince a female to come home with you or encourage her level of interest as a prospect. Think of trying to coax a shy newborn filly out of her stall and a little bit of feed and some soft kind words. Think about it, it's exactly the same principle at work. Feed her (booze if need be), offer a few kind words and coax her out of the bar (her clothes). Now you can like it too.

Sexy.